R.I.P. Mortimer

So there's been a small crisis at the POC for the last couple of days....the HEAT. The A/C shut down for the second time this summer. Oddly enough, the problem seemed to be with the downstairs unit. The upstairs stayed reasonably cool, considering the fact that the upstairs unit was working to de-hell two floors. Poor Tonya, whose room is always infernal anyway, was forced to come upstairs and room up with the second-floor chicks.
So the A/C guy showed up today. Same dude that was here before. Looked like of like Gabriel Iglesias after Weight Watchers, very sweet. He announced himself and immediately went outside to look at the units.
It was a surprisingly short space of time before he came inside with a thunderstruck look on his face. "Um....miss, I need you to come see sumting....outside."
I immediately agreed and tried to walk to the front door, but he blocked my path, looking oddly uncomfortable.
"Um...I don' wan' you to freak out or nut'ing."
"O....kay?"
"It's jus' dat I never seen anyting like dis before...Its kinda gross."

I laughed at him. He obviously wasn't used to dealing with POC-grade girls. Outside of our little phobias, we're not fazed by much.

"It's okay. Let's go look at it."
We walked around to the side of the house, and he pointed into the A/C fan. For a moment, I didn't see anything unusual. Then I moved closer, saw what had him so looped, and burst into laughter.

There was a rather large chicken snake wrapped around the central axis of the fan and anchored by the tail to the safety grate, effectively stopping the fan from spinning.

Awesome.

I continued to stare at me as I laughed. Between the dissipating giggles I asked, "So is that what's gumming up the works?"
"Um...yeah, I tink so. I'll check it out. Do you...um..."
"Yeah?" I stopped in my trek to return inside. He had not ceased to look uncomfortable. His hispanic accent got MUCH thicker with his next words.
"Do you have....de rubber gloves? I'll get de sneke out, but...do you have de rubber gloves?"
"Aww! Of course!" I actually said "Aww" aloud, so startled was I that I didn't think about giving this poor fella protection for his hands against the nastiness of a two-days-dead snake.
"I'm surprised you're not frekkin' out!"
"Oh, this is normal for this house."
"Snekes in your a/c???"
"No, weird stuff happening."
"......oh."

So that was it! He unwound the "sneke" and cleaned out the fan axis. The downstairs immediately began to cool. It was like magic. Just before he left, he told me with a big grin on his face,
"I took pitchurs of it, 'cause ain' no one at de office seen anyting like dis before. We try to top each other after de jobs is done for de day. Tonight, I win!"

So glad we could help you, nice A/C man. So very, very glad.

So apparently, it was a poor chicken snake, about an inch in diameter, who decided that there were tasty chickens on the other side of our fan, and was in the process of trying to get him some eats when the fan turned on, sealing his doom. I have decided to name him Mortimer posthumously.
Before people start asking, yes, he was dead, and NO I did not take pictures of the two-day decomposed massive snake to post online and send some poor snake-phobic into a panic attack.
But I feel sorry for the little guy, so here I would like to present:

Mortimer's Lament

Mortimer slid up the A/C
Hoping to nab something tasty
It turned out so sad
His timing was bad
The fan turned on and made his head pasty.

Farewell, Mortimer. You have achieved an honorable place in the POC Annals.

Oh look, a blog!

*shakes the dust out of the POC Blog Editor*

So the Five Love Languages are kind of a big deal around the POC. We all live pretty intense lives, and if we don't love on each other every time we see each other, we get kinda stretched out. They're kind of a big deal in my circle of friends, too.
But we have gone so far as to invent our own love languages. Mine would be sarcasm. If I'm being sarcastic with you, it's just my way of showing love. The others are a little more interesting.

Lisa: Lisa's primary love language is "Coffee". Coffee (or tea) is, for her, the best media for conveying affection, whether it's meeting someone at Starbucks for coffee, making a cup at home, or just sharing a random cup at the end of a long day. Some of my best Lisa moments have involved coffee, especially when one or both of us have had too much of the stuff. She keeps decaf on hand, just in case. It's just as effective for communicating affection.

Tonya: As all of us around the POC know, Tonya's love language is "Here, eat this!"
If Tonya is poking food in your face, you can bet she thinks you're nifty. She's an amazing cook with a great feel for spices, and since she can't eat very much at once, the rest of us are easily pressed into service as Quality Control. Last night, our neighbor happened to knock on the door while Ton was cooking, and got her first taste of salmon as well as a bite of wasabi-encrusted lobster. The first time my dad came to pick me up from the POC, I went upstairs for FIVE LOUSY MINUTES, and when I came back downstairs Tonya was feeding my dad something (and Lisa was offering him coffee). When we got in the car, his first comment was on how nice my roomies were. He felt the love!

Corrie: I call Corrie mom from time to time, and not entirely in an ironic sense. Perhaps having younger sisters has given her a mothering instinct. This being possible, Corrie's love language is "Jewish Mothering," which is closely connected to "Here, Eat This." I went to work sick one night, and happened to mention that I needed to get lunch. Corrie immediately spoke up. "Do you want me to pack you a lunch?"
"Uh...sure?" Having a lunch packed for me was an entirely alien concept, but she crammed my thermos bag full of yummy foodstuffs and tucked a little note inside telling me that I was loved. It gave me warm fuzzies all night long.

Jen Berger: There are words of destruction, then there are words of affirmation. Then there's Jen. Jen's love language is "I'm starting the (insert your name here) fan club!" If Jen loves you, she tells you exactly why in a voice that gives you the impression that she would start a one-woman mosh pit if given half a chance. If it were socially appropriate, she would wear a vest covered with fan club buttons for each of her friends, and some of her family. If you need to feel good about yourself, call Jen and talk to her for a little while. Eventually, you will say SOMETHING that makes confetti and sparkles fly out of her ears and "You're AWESOME!" come out of her mouth.

Dave Berger: Rarely spoken of in this blog, I mention Dave only because he has truly invented a new love language out of an old one. One of the five primary love languages is "Physical Affection." Dave has refined this into the language I like to call *TOUCH*. Watch him around Jen sometime. He *pets* her. When he's talking to someone he's trying to show affection toward, he puts one hand on them. When I've said something that makes him giggle, he puts the tip of one finger on my arm. This is called the *TOUCH* (said in a voice an octave deeper than usual), and its cohesiveness was decided one night when Jen was staying over. She called Dave to let him know. When she got off the phone, the look on her face was slightly bewildered. "He wants me to come home so he can touch me."
"Like....pet you? Like, just put one finger on your arm?"
"Yeah..."

So that's it. As with the canon Five Love Languages, they may be mixed and matched to suit the need of the day, but they are there nonetheless.

Love you guys!