The secret lives of gnomes....but enough about Corrie.

Okay, so Laura and I are counting down the last hours until the other roomies return. A short prayer session and a run to Rosa's in pajamas and unwashed hair didn't do a whole lot to fill the time, so we turned on Vantage Point with Dennis Quaid, Sigourney Weaver, and William Hurt. A brief synopses, the president is assassinated at a world summit in Spain, and through the viewpoints of several different witnesses, the conspiracy behind it is unfolded. One of the plot twists is that it wasn't actually the president that was shot from the podium, but a body double, which apparently they have been using since the Reagan administration for various reasons.
And that's when it hit me.
Mark is a body double for president Obama!
Don't believe me?











TELL ME that's not Obama sans the makeover. Still skeptical? Watch, in Obama's next public appearance, he'll be sporting dreds.

But it got me thinking...what if all the people we know from this blog have double lives? What would their alter egos be? I mean, in every superhero comic ever written, the mild-mannered side does something nonthreatening like feeding puppies at the local animal shelter or selling marshmallows to old ladies, and then during the switch to the superhero side, they shoot flaming razorblade bombs or poison bioterrorist livers from their noses. It could be that I'm living with a bunch of radioactive superwomen and don't even know it!!!
I'm pretty sure Lisa is a lounge singer when we're not looking. I could totally see her wearing a velvet evening gown, lying on a piano playing with a rose while belting out "Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones. Between shows, she sits at the bar drinking club soda and lime, making all the men feel good about themselves by judiciously bestowed smiles and well-timed laughter.
Tonya is, quite obviously, a vigilante superheroine. The reason she's gone on so many "international trips?" Either she's doing shakedown sessions in her secret underground lair (which is probably located under the very house we live in) or she's flying around in her leopard skin hero suit, cape, knee boots, and goggle mask, fighting crime as "The Organic Avenger!" That's right, declaring war on over-processed food and unexamined lifestyles, Tonya's superhero catchphrase is, "It's a not religion, it's RELATIONSHIP!" (as she throws copies of The Shack and jars of organic Kalamata olives at her enemies).
Laura is a stripper. Sorry, Laura, but you're a stripper. You just are. Now that we know it, we can start to examine the reasons why you feel the need to live this life behind our backs. In reality, I bet you're moving out because you can't stand living the lie or hiding your rhinestone ichthus bikinis any more. Just promise me you'll tithe ten percent of your thong-dollaz.
I'll bet Corrie is a female wrestler. That would be so great! Her stage name is Iris the Virus, and she throws folding chairs at women three times her size. I can totally see her bouncing on those ropes and screaming, "NEXT SUNDAY, IN THIS ARENA, ONLY ONE OF US WILL WALK AWAY!" She's hired a special flock of gnomes to carry around her prize belts, as they would make her tip over if she actually wore them.
Michael? Michael is the guy that tests the shark suits. His blood is like battery acid, therefore he is ultimately safe from being mangled by Great White shark teeth. One bite and they whimper and run.
Jen Berger is a hard-hitting NPR reporter, who ferrets out injustice in cookie packing plants and Canadian subways. They've actually casted her for the new TV series, "NPR: Kalamazoo." It's like "CSI" but with plotlines instead of dead bodies. Jen will play several main characters, including a nymphomaniac russian bomb technician and a black oil mogul.
And as for me? I'm actually a highly-paid female escort. In my time off my private jet flies me to New York, where I sit in bars with rich, handsome men in glitzy gowns where they pay me to make wisecracks and make them look like they have interesting thoughts. I'm actually more like a prosthetic personality for the very wealthy. And of course, they all send me roses.
Why do I get the best alter existance?
Because I'M THE BLOGMISTRESS!!! That's why.
I also think Mama Claire and Papa Lynn are secretly former President and Mrs. George W Bush, they just have Normal Masks on to enhance their retirement.

Okay, so I'm gonna go look for that secret underground lair now. I hope the secret service doesn't break down my door in a few hours and indict me for compromising the president's security. Mark, you won't let them do that, right? *sniffle* Right?
Please?