When you leave the laptop unattended too long...

Okay, I think it's time for the animals to speak out. My name is Trippy, and I'm a cat. I know, I know, I was just declawed and I shouldn't really be typing, but Old Lady has arthritis, we can't find Buddy, and Mollie just keeps gnawing on the screen. She never could spell, anyway. I and the others (we, the cats, have a brief and uneasy truce with the dogs, the reason being that we felt it was time our collective voices were heard) are, after all the important ones here. Sure, the people might pay the bills, buy the groceries, and clean up after us, but consider it this way: If someone saw to all your needs, cleaned up your messes, and gave you affection and praise any time you wanted, what would you think: that they owned you, or that you owned them?
Now that we're clear, I'm going to take time out of my grooming regime to express some things, and I will write for the others as they follow suit.

Trippy Speaks:
Let's address this declawing issue first. I'm not mad. Really, I'm not. Oh, I wasn't happy about the hospital visit. The vet was cool, but the vet tech smelled like Armor-All. But I couldn't help the clawing, and (gauche as the ottoman was) I know it's not polite to destroy other people's furniture. If an alcoholic could have a surgery that would cure him of his alcoholism, don't you think he would take it gladly? Thank you. Now that that's out of the way, let me tell you something about my mom...she really spends most of her time trying to figure out what's going on. She hides it okay, but half the time when she's in here she's just sitting on her bed or a pile of pillows with a REALLY confused look on her face. Tonya is okay. I know she hates me, but nobody's perfect, and she usually leaves me alone. She did push me off the sofa a couple of weeks ago. That's all right, though, I pooped in her shoes. Can't wait for her to find THAT in a couple of months. Lisa and Laura are great. Corrie is okay, but I don't think she likes me much, and there's something funny about her....aren't humans supposed to be taller than cats?
Anyhow, it's time to let the others talk. As a sidenote: I'm going to render these dictations as faithfully as I can. I may have to take some liberties with grammar and punctuation.

Old Lady speaks: Huh? You want me to WHAT? Oh, right, the computer. Listen, I got something to say to ALL of you....I may be old as dirt, but would it really be so much to ask for you to dangle a string every so often? In my day, a cat couldn't walk two feet without some moron throwin' a ball of yarn or ringin' a stupid bell. Now we've got these new-fangled automatic feeders, and the dang dumb dogs runnin' around like they hold the dang patent on stupid. Who ever said a dog was man's best friend oughta be spayed. And that's another thing! I'm pleased as punch they got Bob Barker off the air. Same catchphrase for the last 700 years, same suit even! Maybe they shoulda made him retire and kept the suit. HA! Where was I? Oh, right. I don't see much of anyone, 'cause I got this trick hip, and it takes me about thirty minutes to sit down. I mostly just stay on the bed. That girl that takes care of me, she's an idiot. Gets all mad when the alarm clock goes off and she's still tired, but it takes an act of congress to get her in bed. She ain't all that busy, either. Know what she does when she's holed up in here? Reads webcomics. That's right. Reads webcomics and watches YouTube. I don't hold with all this webcomic nonsense. I like Garfield, is what I like. I also like that Dave boy that comes over sometimes. Good boy, he is. Stops by and sees me like he ought to, respects his elders, like. Knows where to scratch, stays away from that arthritic joint in my tail stub. You know, I lost that tail in the Scratching Post Riots of '96...
Editor: Aaaand, we've lost her. She's going to sit under the coffee table muttering to herself for a while, now. We might not see her for the rest of the night if she dozes off. Let me see if I can find Buddy. He's should be done with his joint by now....I mean....................................

Buddy Speaks: Whoa....wait, did I just say that out loud? Maaan, I had some killer chocolate today. I'm gonna be poopin' blood for a week. Heh, gonna freeeeeeeeeeeeeak out my moms. Ate some ketchup too. Ke.....ketchup? Catsup? Caaaaaaaaaatsuuuuup. HA! Cat, 'sup? HA! Whooooaaaaa. Everything's real significant right now. Whoa. You know, they say that Erin broad couldn't pass that test....they say she's a druggy. I've been watching her, and I can tell you, she can't roll a joint to save her life. Swear, I don't even wanna touch her. Don't want my rollin' mojo to get sucked out. But danged if she don't make a grab at me every chance she gets...tellin' you, ladies can't get enough of me. They can't get enough of the Budster. Heh. Buds. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, where are you goin' with my stash? My dealer's outta town, I can't get more until....whoaaaaaa, you shouldn't spin in circles like that....

Editor: And he's out. He'll wake up with the munchies in a couple of hours. We tried to slip Mollie some Ritalin, but I don't think it worked. Let's find out.

Mollie Speaks: HI EVERYONE I JUST WANTED TO SAY HOW GREAT EVERYTHING IS HERE I HATE GOING TO THE VET BUT THEY'RE SO NICE THEY ALWAYS GIVE ME TREATS YOU KNOW PILLOW FLUFF TASTES KIND OF LIKE EATING CLOUDS ONLY SOMETIMES THE THREADS GET STUCK TO MY TONGUE AND WON'T COME OFF MOM SAYS THEY'RE BAD FOR ME YOU KNOW BUDDY SMOKES WEED THEY SAY THAT'S BAD FOR YOU TOO BUT I JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS ESPECIALLY WHEN MOM IS TRYING TO GIVE ME MY ANTIBIOTICS LOOK THAT THING OVER THERE IS SHINY AND PRETTY HEY DOUBLE A BATTERIES TASTE KIND OF LIKE PENNIES DID YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE A TUMOR UNDER MY NECK BUT ITS KIND OF SQUISHY AND I WISH I COULD REACH IT TO CHEW ON IT I SURE LIKE SQUIRRELS BUT THEY ALWAYS RUN FROM ME MY MOM AND I ARE THE SAME HEIGHT LOOK A BUNNY!

Editor: Um, Mollie? That's a....that's a shoe. Mollie? That's Tonya's sh....okay, never mind. Let me know how that shock collar works out for you. Okay, so I think that's everyone, sans the troll that lives in the closet under the stairs. I think all I have left to say is: Is it really necessary to vacuum so much? I know you humans have an obsession with keeping everything "sanitary" but the truth is, IT'S LOUD! Try cranking up your hearing a couple of notches and see how much you like that sound. And the headlight on the front? What's up with that?
Okay, I better go before I start sounding like the old lady.
Sincerely yours,
Trippy.
P.S. Spare a can of tuna every now and again? Maybe some Spanish olives? Oh, and Buddy wanted me to ask for some brownie mix.
P.P.S. I'm pretty sure he shouldn't have any...but we may wanna try giving hash brownies to Mollie.
Okay, bye!